I'm writing this post from lovely Tennessee after the only slightly scarring trip that got us here.
Corny was barely beaten out of 1st at US Nationals by .01 seconds, but still won enough money to get him through the rest of the trip. Yay! I got to meet some really cool people as well as reconnect with old friends. Super cool. Less cool was the parents of the younger cubers. They are seriously psycho. Every one of the spectators in front of the stage was there because someone they love is competing. And you know what, even if they weren't, does that make it appropriate to elbow other people just to get one centimeter closer to your child to film them? NO, IT DOESN'T. I couldn't believe some of these parents and I a little bit couldn't believe myself...because of the violence I wanted to perform on them. But you know, not my fault. I was provoked. After that, I was a huge dummy and tried to make it to TN that night. I don't know what happened, but I think I had a minor panic attack and couldn't do it. The best thing to do was stop, and we did. We stayed at a hotel for the night even though we had already paid for another night on Hilton Head Island as well. The loss of money there is hurting my insides, but if we hadn't, I'm sure we'd be dead right now. It would have taken FOREVER to get here at night because the roads were hard to navigate anyway because they were curve after curve after curve, and I would have had to do it half speed at night...we would have gotten here at 4 am if we were lucky. The sleepyheaddedness of me would have been only one problem if we'd have tried to make it. But hey, we made it here, and we're safe! Plus, mom forgot to put me on the insurance of the big huge rental van the family brought here, so I don't have to drive the whole rest of the trip! Super happy about that because I drove over 1,300 miles. Seriously, I just calculated it. I've been having lots of fun here though. Being with my family is so nice especially when every one acted so happy to see us when we finally made it. Carl had to leave this morning unfortunately to go back to work, but I still have Mimi, Connor, Ava, Liv, Mom, and Nana. The cabin is so nice too! So big and homey! I'm sitting in this huge sun room writing this, and I'm looking out at the woods and hills and ah, so nice. It's so wonderful to finally be able to do nothing. Side note: Life is Strange is finally out! I'm waiting for Liv to hurry up and wake up so we can finish the episode we started yesterday. Sooooooooooo good. I wasn't sure how they were gonna pick up from last episode, but kbwoiefoisdbfioöasf yisssss! Play it if you aren't already. Soooooooooooo gooooooooooooood. PEACE OUT YA VACATION TIME: So the accident we got into was a small one. A truck backed into us in the hotel parking lot in Nashville and took a cookie cutter piece out of our bumper with his huge tailpipe. The dude was gone when we noticed it, but his truck was still there, and we took enough photos to impress the Nashville police department and get them to ask us to work for them. Other than that, things have gone very smoothly. We were in one traffic jam and driving through Atlanta was something I wasn't totally prepared for, but we are chillin' in Macon now, safe and sound. So we'll check out, head to the Allman Brothers Museum, then head to pick up Agata and Breandan in Savannah then off to Hilton Head for the comp the rest of the weekend. I'm excited, but Corny is nervous. Maybe I would be too if I was the best cuber in the world and suddenly there was all this pressure.
My favorite thing we've done so far was probably the Johnny Cash Museum because it was so interesting! I want to listen to his music all the time now. I didn't realise he was that awesome. I know that's dumb. I also liked the huge GooGoo store because chocoLADE. I bought 839 for my family and me, but don't tell because it's a surprise for when we meet them in Tennessee. Nashville really was beautiful, or it would have been if I could see through all the sweat dripping in my eyes. SO HOT. And I a little bit thought we were gonna die at the sleazy motel where we stayed, but like I said, we're safe and sound and that's all that matters. It's hard being in charge of a trip though. There's more responsibility than I thought. Granted, I'm doing what I always do and stressing more than I need to. I'm trying not to though! MORE UPDATES TO COME, FAITHFUL READERS. This post has a trigger warning of extremely vomitous content of mushy mushy.
In two days, it's Cornelius' birthday. In three it's our one year anniversary, so whether you like it or not, I'm compelled to inform the intranets of his majesty. Once upon a time Princess Becca was livin' the big life, happy and just in general killin' it. On her way to get a tattoo in Richmond from this really amazing artist, she stopped in the Richmond branch of Knot to eat some foodies. There was this young, unassuming little Asain who had just finished his shift (which he shouldn't have been working on, but he was covering for someone). He asked the Princess about the book that was sitting next to her foodies, and that opened up a conversation after which they both realized they felt something. It wasn't long before the Princess discovered the boy wasn't just Asian, he was also half German. Therefore the Princess had to be very blatant about her desire to learn more about him and communicate how she felt, but she didn't mind. Finally they had a get together with some friends, and as the night drew its close, the boy told the Princess he would walk her to her train. As the couple rose up to Clapham Junction's platform 11, her train was pulling up. Oh no, not much time to contemplate a goodbye! The two hugged, and the Princess quickly planted a kiss on the boy's cheek, hoping he wouldn't see it as a common European gesture. He didn't. It sucks that so much of the time he and I have been together, we've been apart. First he had to go to school, then I had to go back home since I didn't have a visa anymore...but he's encouraged so much growth in me, thinking about big things I wouldn't have ever thought of if it wasn't for him, but he also has me laughing so much of the time. For me, that's maybe the most important thing. But truly, he's patient (something I didn't realize I would need), he's so intelligent, he's musical and an amazing guitar player, a faby cuber, and someone who is constantly saying things that show how well he understands me. I've never felt so comfortably anchored in myself, but he also helps me be more. He is always giving to me. Not like prezzies, but just with a self-less attitude. I am so happy that we somehow met each other. So happy birthday and anniversary, Angel Cakes. You've changed everything for me, and it's the most wonderful thing in the world. I wish you another year of happiness and us. I can't wait to look back on us again next year and see how much we've changed yet again. I will firstly apologize for how badly spaced AND placed these photos are. Weebly is totally the best place to go to design your own website... My dearest, most faithful audience. I regret to inform that this is the end. Not really. Something way worse. An update on my life. I'm looking up flights to London and busses to Cardiff and I'm having a hard time being happy about it, and here's why: I am so so SO sad about not being a bigger part of Connor's life in the next few years. I watch him grow every single day, and I had a realization about him the other day. I was at my cousin Alyssa's wedding, and I was hesitating to have my second drink because then I might as well have a third and if I did that, I wouldn't be able to responsibly take care of him anymore. So it was the next day that I determined this was a concern because I assume an almost motherly role to him. Where Ava and I always have fun and I have to discipline her more rarely, I've never felt the same way. And of course that made it so much clearer why I'm struggling so much to be excited to start my PhD. While I'm totally not going to pretend that I know what it is to be a mother, the feelings I have toward him are along those lines. He's not my baby...but he kinda is...and I don't want to leave my baby. I finally understand the "let's not talk about Becca leaving" attitude the rest of my family has been assuming because I think about school, and I can't see the arriving-in-Cardiff part in my brain yet, just the leaving-my-family part. But, ya know, all that said, I don't want it to seem like I'm doing something I don't want to do. For one, I can't keep going in Marion like this. I don't have a permanent job, my own place, or a future really at all. My family is wonderful but I wouldn't be happy staying here. What's more, I would be miserable forever if I knew I had an amazing opportunity like this and didn't take it. I want to get my PhD with Cardiff studying storytelling and video games. I want to move back to the UK, and I want to live in a city again. If I could keep up the personal growth I've had in the last year and a half over the time on my PhD course, then I would feel so fulfilled. Oh ya. And Corny. He's cool too. Ok, guys. Sorry that was heavy. I'll admit that me typing it out for you was also to help me figure out how I felt. And I feel better. YOU ARE THE BEST, OH READER. Oh my gosh! I almost forgot to tell you! We're about to go on a trip! So first of all, Corny and I are making this trip: The places are all for fun except Hilton Head, SC. That's US Nationals fur de Rubiks Cube. Corny is gonna win, but we have to give the other competitors a fair chance, so we're gonna just act normal like "it's anyone's comp, really". I was excited to swim on the beach (the venue is a resort ON THE OCEAN) but then I heard about the recent shark activity in North and South Carolina, so of course I'm even more excited. When it comes to shark attacks in the Compton family, they say the third time's a charm. Or they did until, um...So our last stop is Gatlinburg and that is SO exciting because it's a family vacay-hay! We get Ava the whole week! We rented a cabin in the Great Smoky Mountains and it'll be my family plus Nana. And Carl, but he counts as one of the gurlz by now anyway. OM gosh I am so freaking exiteddddddd. We are gonna lay around and see woods and read books and have family time basically every moment is going to look like it's straight out of a travel brochure. We have a bunch of activities planned, but this post is already really long, so I'll save those for later.
And wrapping up words, thank you, faithful audience etc. Ok bye. Love you, bye. Why are you still here? Oh my gosh, don't you have anything better to do? Seriously, I'm leaving. In Connor's photo, he's reacting to a joke of mom's. "Weally, Lili? Weally?"
Many of you may have noticed the fishing tournament I entered with Amelia and Carl aka Team Moorman Tabernacle Fishing Frenzy. We got 1st place. Ah ya! Not really. We didn't even make it on the board. Of like...20 teams or something. But it was the first time I've fished since I was 9 and I caught 3, so who's the real winner here anyway? Plus, I was pleasantly surprised at how much fun I had. It was really relaxing: nice and sunny and warm, floating around on the water. And don't worry about the pressure to perform. We ABSOLUTELY knew we were gonna lose, so we were allowed to actually have fun. Which is good, because I genuinely hate how competitive I get sometimes. Ok ok ok, I accepted the offer to Cardiff! I'm really excited for it all, but also more-than-kinda nervous. I'm afraid I'll get in over my head/not have what it takes, but I'm also worried that I'll take it so seriously that I won't enjoy it anymore. I want to let it make me happy. Encourage growth, not force it. But honestly, I think I can affect the industry for the better. That's a big motivator too. So now I can start doing lots of planning since I have the acceptance. There's visa stuff, moving my things to Cardiff, moving my corporeal self to Cardiff, finding a place to live, and testing out the bubble tea there. And you KNOW they have bubble tea in Cardiff because BOOM. I'm so happy to be going back to UK. There are so many things I miss except the weather. Living in a new city is going to be wonderful! Exploring and learning a new routine, favsies places and all that jazz. I know it'll be hard at first. Corny is going to be there to help me get settled (thank goodness his uni schedule allowed it), but then he'll leave and I'll have a few days or weeks where I don't have any friends. I know it'll be fine in time, I just hate the slowness of loneliness. And so, my faithful audience, it is only a matter of time before my life is going to change again. But I am so looking forward to it! That moment when you're being chased by the cops, they yell "freeze!", and you respond with "everybody clap your hands!" *clap clap clap clap clap* #ThugLyfe
So before anyone freaks out, I'm not a negligent Auntie. He was fussing, and I made light of it. I don't give him reasons to cry, nor do I get joy from this precious baby's pain etc. So I was offered an unconditional place in a PhD programme at Cardiff University today. After the initial disbelief, I was completely over the moon. I had gotten rejection after rejection, and I was really starting to believe that my ideas weren't meant to be researched, or at the very least, that they weren't ready for it. But finally, FINALLY someone sees something in me to give me the resources that I need to grow. I feel like the world has opened up to me, and I have the chance to learn and become something great if I'm willing to work my ass off for it. But I'm already imagining the sweet, sweet pain having to leave the kiddies after I've grown so close to Connor especially, but one thought makes me feel like it will be worth it. I would become such a great role model for them. When they're still small, (hopefully) my visits will always be so special since they'll be only certain times a year, and as they grow older they'll see the opportunities they could have if they're willing to work at it. Just because their roots are in a small town doesn't mean they can't branch out (punny pun pun). Small towns are lovely places of course, don't misunderstand. But in one day I feel like I got my happiness back (knock on wood), and I realized why I was so upset before the offer arrived. I felt like life was happening to me, not that I was seizing it, making my own choices. I wasn't doing so well at being positive during hard times, but I was trying! Really hard! Maybe that just means I'll be a little better at it if they come back around. All that said, I haven't accepted the offer yet. I want to weigh all my options first, but I just had to tell my faithful audience about the relief I felt once all that work and stress and anxiety and bla bla bla paid off AT LAST! This one's for you then, faithful audience. Cheers! *clink* blergblergblergblerg I have had the pleasure of enjoying loose tea, I mean not in a tea bag. This super handsome Asian guy got me an awesome mini tea set for Christmas, and I find that I'm not addicted to the caffeine, but the feeling of being oh so comfy and cozy.
I've needed that lately because it seems like all my family does is fight with each other. Liv, Amelia and I seem to manage to keep the peace for the most part, but it seems that keeping track of the gossip in this family is so difficult that I should be getting paid for the full time job it is. The worst part is that it's not just people accidentally making dumb ass choices (what are ass choices?). I'm having to watch specific family members tear down those who deserve better, and worse, let it happen to themselves. I have learned much about love--those who love well and those who do not. Good love gives, sacrifices, and wishes the best for the loved one. Bad love can be simplified into one word: selfishness. Love can turn people into ugly sons of guns and biotches, and I have to ignore it or else I'll freak out and snap and say hurtful things to those people who can't be trusted to love. Things are moving slowly with my PhD, but that's ok for now because I'm getting less time than I hoped to do research. I'm worried that perhaps my idea isn't structured correctly and I have to abandon it. That would be fine if I felt like I had the time to make 50 more drafts changing my proposed research. But being away from Cornelius is 10x harder than I thought it would be. With the things I have and haven't mentioned, I feel so isolated. I'm trying so hard all the time, but I hardly see any progress. I turn to him to share good things and bad, but it feels like we're often out of sync. We don't catch up to each other, therefore feeling like we're influencing each other is a struggle sometimes. I don't want it to sound like I'm changing my mind. I am still so madly in love and feel like I never have nor could I ever find someone who makes me as happy as Cornelius does. Things are just so sucky at the moment. That sentence is so accurate, yet can't convey how worn out I feel. I've never felt so stretched. Lastly, grandpa passed away last night. I'll attach two links below. The first is of an interview a family friend, Elizabeth Grider did with Grandpa, and the second is an article about his life. Check it out if you feel so inclined. http://wikimarion.org/Elmer_Estle http://wikimarion.org/Gene_Estle I'm sad that he's gone. The deepest sorrows are phrases and activities that I'll never hear him say or do with him again. He was an incredible man, and the most amazing grandpa I could have ever hoped for. Even about going to school in England, he supported me even though I knew he wanted me to stay. One of those people how knows how to love well. It was time for him to go. I have more peace now knowing he's finally resting. Wrapping up words ok bye. I thought Berlin was having great weather, but Indiana is doing even better. Which is why I look strange wearing a Carl Zeiss Jena scarf, but I'm not taking it off until I'M SWEATING.
The most wonderful thing about coming home is that I don't know who missed me most, Ava or my Mama. So it's Easter today, and today is the first day that I can say the jet lag is saying its last goodbye. America feels strange this time, and I have to say that I feel out of place. Like I left a hole leaving, and coming back I had to fill the same hole even though I'm not the same shape anymore. It's a strange sensation; one that makes me feel like I can't settle into a place of my own. Side note: the people who I was trying to shield from the news now know, so I might as well come out with it. I'm trying to get accepted into a school to start a PhD research degree in the UK. I sent in applications through February and March, but I haven't heard anything back yet. But it's good to drive again. Good to have access to powder donuts and coco wheats again. Good to be at family gatherings again. Even though things tend to get heated...as they did tonight. The Italian blood was pumping as both sides of the table choose a different person to back while the "kid's table" tried to avoid getting blood spatter on our Easter best. I learned more about my relatives in 20 minutes at that table as I did in the last 20 years of my life. I cannot unhear it. I am facing a strange transition while dealing with a dying grandpa and simultaneously a separation from someone I love and was lucky enough to spend 2 uninterrupted months with. And now I can't even touch him. I miss him so much, but I'd rather feel this shitty than not feel anything. Yes, this post was perhaps wet blanket-esq, but rest assured I will rectify this wrong against you in the next one. Thank you for reading, and bla bla things. Klik on da tinee piks 2 maek dem beega.
Going to Berlin marked lots of things, one of which being the return of bubble tea as you know. The second was spending copious amounts of time with Cornelius's parents, who I think like me. At least, his mom does because she told me. Granted, it may be partially because we ganged up on Corny whenever we were together, and that bonded us. It was low, but I regret nothing. Third, I was able to meet several of his friends that he'd known for years, and I was finally able to put a face to the names. Here are a few things I need to remember: 1. Club Mate\Mio Mate is nas-tay. 2. Trams are fun! 3. Berlin bus drivers have sumthin' to prove. 4. Leon has a puppy named Mia. 5. I could be better at Fußall than Corny if I applied myself. 6. They get money for returning bottles. 7. Boyhood was a fabulocity movie. Each photo is a memory from Germany that I want to use to remind me of everything I felt when I was there. My time with Cornelius was time when I didn't have to go to work or school, and I know I'll never be in that position again. So we're gearing up for 5 months apart. I'm scared, but only of how hard it will be to be so distant. Cornelius is really such an incredible man, I can't imagine what I'd do if he went anywhere. I really believe in Us, but it still makes me feel desperately sad when I think of it. On a further sad note, Grandpa isn't doing well, and we're preparing for the end. It's hard being so far away, but I won't be for long. I want to be with my family during this time, but I also want to be there just because I miss them so much. I have never felt so torn in two directions, and I don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes I feel like there is so much pressure on me that I should just shut down to stop the anxiety. Other times I feel like any outsider would look at my life and label it as 'perfect', and I should stop finding things to be unhappy about. I just worry that my life is taking a turn where I can never be whole because part of me will always be somewhere else. But enough of the sad stuff! We're in Edinburgh now for Edinburgh Open, and I've already met my goal of making 2 friends. I even made 3. BOOM. Competition starts tomorrow, and Corny going to win it all. Watch the papers, it's coming. On a side note, I am so friggin' cold right now I wanna die. Dez all I hev now. PEAS. |
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